It Goes Without Saying ... Or Does It?

How often do you say “I love you”? Does it vary according to your age, gender, cultural background, or the nature of your relationship? Two Baruch College communication studies professors, Richard Wilkins and Elisabeth Gareis, conducted a survey of 77 students to find out how often and under what circumstances different groups and cultures express emotion through
the use of the phrase “I love you” in personal relationships.
The participants, who ranged in age from 16
to 50, represented men and women from a variety
of ethnicities, though the majority were women. The results were published in the International Journal
of Intercultural Relations in January 2006. Here are some of the findings:

• In general, women say “I love you” more often than men, in all types of relationships.
• Romantic lovers say it most frequently and are nearly twice as likely to say it frequently as married couples (62 percent vs. 34 percent); 45 percent of married people claim to say it occasionally.
• Men express love more often in developing relationships—perhaps because of their traditional role of pursuer—but women express it more often in established relationships.
• The second most frequent use of the phrase occurs among parents and children (40 percent say it frequently, 35 percent occasionally), while its use was most rare among cousins, neighbors, co-workers, and, surprisingly, siblings.
• Non-native speakers of English say it more often in English than in their native languages, which may be due to the influence of Western popular culture.
• The use of the phrase “I love you” varies greatly across cultures: in some cultures, for example, it is understood that love is expressed nonverbally, through such actions as preparing food for a loved one; in other cultures, verbal expression of love is restricted primarily to romantic relationships and signifies a serious commitment.

The Baruch researchers pointed out that this is an exploratory survey that is limited in scope, but it could be an interesting starting point for future study, especially since research on the topic is scarce.

—Teri Maiorca